New feature on my blog this month: In my Feelings February,
Every Sunday I’m going to post feelings and thoughts, this is supposed to help me be more sensitive I guess, less monotone and robotic and more open.
I come across as a very reserved person, laid back, cool, everything seems fine in my world. Turning 20, I defo had lots of expectations. When I was younger I never imagined 20, I didn’t know what this part of my life is supposed to be like, there was just adulthood and childhood no in-between.
1. The World and Society
There’s so much I want to do and so much I want people to see but it’s not that simple. One thing that adds to my frustration is my views of the world and politics. I don’t consider myself to be a part of this world, I’m just a being in this time and I refuse to become what time has made people. Everyone knows this world has issues, Trump, ISIS and innocent black people being killed, but we still engage in the issue. Anti-Trump but pro factors that caused the rise of Trump? Feminist but adding to a system that promotes inequality.
I’m frustrated that we continue to support and put trust in a system that is as illegitimate as Hitler’s regime. Honestly, this globalised world governed by self-interested global institutions and western states is not right. Poverty, oppression, and war are not right, it is beyond frustrating that so much wrong occurs in the world and those at the top allow these faults. It is even more frustrating that I have no idea what to do about it on a large scale or that it may not even be my responsibility to do anything about it but to live in it.
2. Career Paths
When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer. I would still love to be a lawyer but my love for arts and fashion took over. Then I wanted to be a fashion designer, but ‘You’re smart Tina, you need a corporate Job and then all your artsy stuff you can do on the side’. Okay so I like history, I would love to be a Historian too, research, write books and stuff. That’s not really full time either. Right so I need to find me a job whilst I’m a fashion designer and a Historian. Well, I study History and Politics now and believe in justice, let me work for the government. But wait, ‘you don’t like government remember, they are the cause for all the issues in this world.’
Thinking of the future is the number one cause of frustration, but being in my second year of uni, I can’t not think ahead and anyone who tells you that there is still time to make your mind up is lying. I think schools should encourage all kids to leave with one career goal they will fulfill and push them to take one direction, once they get to that destination they can do whatever they want. I don’t want to wear black and white corporate clothes; I don’t like feeling restricted, so I must work to achieve my dreams now.
I genuinely do not understand people most of the time. I struggle with relationships because I struggle with people, I don’t understand what people expect from me half of the time and I don’t understand how to please people. I spend a lot of time alone because of this, but I can be a very social person, I like social settings, I’m interested to hear from other people but maybe I don’t translate as someone who wants to be social. I think what is most frustrating lately is wanting to talk to or get to know someone that you know you would get on with but not knowing how. Honestly, I just don’t know how to approach or talk to people, I mean I do, I just don’t think I’m doing it right.